Cruise Jokes

Just a quick one today, thought I would share some of my favourite cruise jokes, but as always, I would be a lot more interested in hearing yours.
Try not to groan too much
A magician was working on a cruise ship. There was a different audience each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat". "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After about a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an eighty year old man in after her who kept her afloat till the rescue boat arrived. The Captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white haired old man performed such an act of bravery. Hat night a banquet was given in honour of the ships octogenarian hero. He was called forward to receive an honoury award and to say a few words. He stood in front of the crowd and said ‘First of all I’d like to know who pushed me’

 From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who’s that?" a passenger asks the captain. The cruise ship captain replied, "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he just goes nuts.

 The conductor of an onboard orchestra was famous worldwide for his temper. On a day when there was a group of new starters he picked up the worst performing musician and threw him overboard. Turning to the rest of the shocked orchestra he said
‘Its sync or swim here’

A homeless man had been sleeping in the dockyards when a sleek new cruise ship pulled into port. Thinking he would be on to a good thing the homeless man tried to sneak on board but was turned back on the gangplank by the concierge who told him
‘Sorry sir beggars can’t be cruisers.

 An old lady goes up to the bar on a cruise ship and asks for a whiskey and two drops of water. When the barman gives her the drink she says today is my birthday, I'm 80 years old today. The barman says, in that case please allow me to buy you this drink. When she has almost finished the drink, the woman sitting next to her says please let me buy you a drink for your birthday. Many thanks she says I'll have a whiskey and two drops of water please. As she finishes this drink the man on the other side of her says I would also like to get you a drink. Many thanks, I'll have a whiskey with two drops of water please. When the barman gives her this one he says to her, I'm sorry but I've just got to ask, Why only two drops of water with your whiskey?
Young man, she says, when you get to my age you know how to hold your liquor but to hold your water is another thing altogether.

"I took my dad on a cruise once, as a gift, for mother’s day"

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks,
"Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year...."

Happy cruising